Writing with Honesty

I never thought I’d be in the position to be actively going somewhere with my writing, reactivating my blog and social presence to build towards something I never imagined would happen. I got comfortable in a well-paying job in tech after leaving the entertainment industry altogether. Life happened, and I just put the pen down like so many other artistic endeavors I picked up only to abandon. So what has changed? I am writing now with honesty; with maturity and most importantly with something to actually say.

When I first started to actually write, I didn’t have any lived experience. I was 23, fresh out of college and looking for a way to fulfill my creative impulses. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life, I was stuck. I happened to create a satirical Twitter account for a film which gained a small following including some of the filmmakers. Its producer was someone I greatly admired, having produced one of my favorite films. What followed was a brief mentorship that led to me trying my hand at screenwriting (my least favorite form of writing). They read and offered feedback on my attempts, and quickly concluded I wasn’t ready yet. Instead of taking that as an opportunity to learn and grow, I rather impetuously doubled down and continued to plead for their continued input. I was entitled, arrogant and most evidently of all: I wasn’t really trying.

I started blogging around this time as well, gaining a small following including several people in the industry. I had folks lining up wanting to read what I was writing, but still I persisted to write posts that offered nobody anything. Whatever promise I had demonstrated, I squandered on half-assed attempts at trying to convince this one person that, no I have what it takes. Note to self: no asshole, you didn’t. By this time ten years ago, I was almost exclusively writing posts to get that dopamine rush of seeing them having interacted with it. I foolishly wasted every opportunity that came my way, because not only was I half-assing it, I wasn’t being honest. There was no real motivation to do the thing, because all I wanted was a do-over.

Now many years older, wiser and with lived experience I realize now what I hadn’t then: my greatest fear in life is rejection. I didn’t want to try, because if I didn’t try then I wouldn’t experience rejection. It is too painful for me, a reminder of sitting alone in high school. It was easier to fantasize about some alternate reality where the first thing I ever wrote was read by a major picture producer that I had a massive crush on and then we’d have a Hollywood happy ending and I’d be rich and have all the nice things. Note to self: wrong asshole. It’s okay, I am not being unkind to myself. I am no longer that asshole. That is why I now write in spite of the rejection, I write because I love it and I want to share with the world and leave something behind when I die.

That last part, wanting to leave something behind when we die is perhaps the greatest motivator for all creatives. We create, we write, we paint, we sing, we express ourselves because we are aware of our mortality and that our time on this earth is so very precious. Left-brained people like myself are practically obsessed with leaving a foot print, however small. If even one person is touched by something I make, I am honored. If one thousand people reject it first, I am no longer afraid of that. If most people hate it, I don’t care. Why? Because if it is honest, then it deserved to be made and it is something I can be proud of.

Why fear rejection? If life is short, so too is the temporary pain caused by crushing disappointment. I write now with an open mind, and an open heart. I am not seeking the affections or approval of one person. In fact I am not seeking the affections or approval of anyone. I have done so much self-actualization over the years, alongside achieving sobriety. Once I finally got over my thoughts of grandeur and fear of rejection, I finally was able to write the way some of my earliest champions always knew I could.

Today people are once again asking what I am writing, people are taking lunches with me, my day job gets interrupted by calls I once dreamed of. This is why I moved to Los Angeles. Even as things are seemingly going well, I also know much more rejection is on the horizon. Everything can fall apart tomorrow. But that’s okay, because I am writing with honesty.